Disrupt The Cycle

The start of a new school year is stressful and can cause an increase in anxiety and feelings of overwhelm.  It can cause us to feel like we don’t fit in or aren’t smart enough or good-looking enough.  It can feel there is something wrong with us, like everyone has everything figured out but us, and it can lead to an increase in negative thought patterns and/or self-harming behaviours.  Instead of getting down on yourself or getting stuck in a spiral of doubt and negativity, choose to treat yourself with compassion and love. Every minute you spend being kind and encouraging with yourself, you are getting stronger.

The next time you catch yourself having negative thoughts about yourself or wanting to harm yourself, try to disrupt the pattern or cycle.  Instead of letting the thought pattern continue or engaging in self-harm, make the choice that you are going to show yourself some love instead.  

You will find that you need different things at different times, so have several strategies ready to try. 

Sometimes you need a hug - at these times try gently running your fingers up and down your arms or giving yourself a hug. 

Sometimes you need to get some energy out - go for a walk or a run, have a dance part in your room, or do some yoga. 

Sometimes you need to feel loved - think of the things you value and appreciate about yourself - talk to yourself like you would a good friend who you are trying to cheer up. 

Sometimes you need to feel grounded - focus on what you can see, hear, touch, and smell. 

Sometimes you feel overwhelmed - thinking about one thing at a time, taking the time to come up with a plan, and just getting started will help.  Ask yourself, “what is the smallest possible thing I could do to get started on this?”, and then do that thing. 

Sometimes you need to get an emotion out - do this in a way that doesn’t involve harming yourself.  For example if you are feeling sad, allow yourself to cry.  If you are angry, allow yourself to yell or sing along to an angry song.

Sometimes you need a distraction - hang out with a friend or family member, get out of the house and go do something you like to do, or read a book. 

Sometimes you need to feel in control - choosing to not harm yourself is being in control.  Choosing to change your negative self-talk is being in control.  Choosing to tell yourself you won’t feel this way forever and you will be okay is being in control.

You have the power to choose to love yourself or harm yourself.  Every minute that you can overcome the urge to harm yourself, you are winning and getting stronger.  

Want more? Check out the Creating Calm workbook by clicking on the DIY Wellness Tab.

The Pause

These are strange times for all of us. This is a situation we have never been in before and we are all feeling the stress of it. On Sunday when we heard that the schools would be closed for the remainder of the school year, we were all stunned. I started to think of all of the things that we had planned and had been looking forward to between now and the end of June and how they would now likely not be happening. Up until Sunday, I had hope, perhaps naive hope, but still hope, that we would be home for a couple of weeks and then things would return to mostly normal. Losing this hope was overwhelming and emotional. I needed to remind myself that we cannot control what happens around us, we can only control how we react to it. Yes, even though I whole-heartedly believe that sentence and have written entire programs around it, I needed the reminder. 

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy teaches us that in-between an event occurring and our reaction, there are thoughts that happen that determine how we react. It all happens quickly and if we don't take the time to notice and pay attention to these thoughts, it is easy to assume that we have no control over our reactions. Mindfulness and meditation teach us that we can control our breath and our thoughts and reactions by paying attention to the "pause" that happens in-between the inhale and the exhale of our breath. With practice, we can learn to listen to our internal dialogue that happens during the pause. What is said during that brief pause is important. It determines how we respond and react to what is going on around us. There is power in the "pause" and in the thoughts that happen before we react. 
This break from our normal lives that we are all having to take right now is like the pause in-between the inhale and the exhale. 

What we do now, what we think, and how we act, has power. We can use this time to let panic and fear spiral out of control, or we can use this time to learn and adjust to this new temporary reality. We can choose to focus on the things that we have to be grateful for instead of what we are missing out on. We can choose to see the kindness going on in the world and to treat those around us with kindness. We can stay informed so we can make wise decisions for ourselves and those around us without panicking and we can choose to remember that the world is constantly changing and this is not forever. 

Our kids are watching us navigate this situation and are taking cues from us on how to deal with big stressors. Let's remind ourselves to stay calm, mindful, and grateful during this pause and to choose to Face Everything And Rise.

Photo Credit: @benkarpinski

Why We Need Pink Shirt Day

Today is Pink Shirt Day and I love Pink Shirt Day.  I love what it stands for.  I love how it started.  I love all the positive quotes that fill up my social media feeds.  I wish every day was Pink Shirt Day.  

I wish we lived in a world where we didn't need a designated day to remind ourselves that bullying isn't acceptable.  I wish we didn't need the reminder to be respectful in all our interactions.  I wish we were always kind, everyday, not just on Pink Shirt Day.

But that is not the world we live in.  It will never be the world we live in until all of us, especially those in positions of power, start to educate themselves about respect and healthy relationships.  Now I don't want to get all negative on Pink Shirt Day but it does need to be said that if you wear a pink shirt on Pink Shirt Day and post a quote about kindness and equality on your social media feed, that does not excuse how you act the other 364 days a year.  

If you are a person who stands in front of a classroom of junior high students and talks about how a woman needs to obey her husband, then you are part of the reason that we need a designated Pink Shirt Day.

If you are a coach who belittles an athlete for not competing when they are injured and in pain, you are part of the reason we need Pink Shirt Day.

If you are a teacher who asks your students to fill out a "gender" chart and determine if certain characteristics are masculine or feminine, then you are part of the reason we need Pink Shirt Day. (When I first heard about this one I thought the students would fill out the sheet and then the teacher would have a great conversation with them about expanding on the traditional concept of masculinity and femininity and would explain how all of the characteristics could apply to both males and females.  That's not what happened.  Men are strong.  Women gossip.  That's what the class was told in 2017.)

If you are someone who doesn't think our children need to be taught about consent, then you are part of the reason that we need Pink Shirt Day.

If you say things like "boys will be boys", you are part of the reason that we need Pink Shirt Day.

If you are a person who tells your female employee to wear a short skirt to the meeting tomorrow, you are part of the reason that we still need Pink Shirt Day.

If you are a parent who belittles your child when they don't perform as you would like them to at their sport, then you are part of the reason that we still need Pink Shirt Day.

If you are not paying attention to how your kids are speaking to other kids, you are part of the reason that we still need Pink Shirt Day.

If you are not paying attention to how you are speaking to and about others, you are part of the reason that we still need Pink Shirt Day.

I love Pink Shirt Day and I hope that more and more people participate every year.  I hope that people are not just wearing pink shirts but are also having conversations and taking action to make sure that every interaction they have is based in respect and kindness.

I hope that everyday we remember that our kids are watching and listening and they are learning how to act based on how we are acting and speaking and on how we are treating them.  I hope we stop excusing or ignoring unacceptable behaviour and choose to teach kindness and respect. I hope that one day we don't need a Pink Shirt Day.

Calming With Chocolate

I'm not very good at meditating.  By "not very good", I mean downright awful.  

Although I definitely see the value in being able to meditate every day, a traditional meditation practice does not work for me.  I have a hard time quieting my mind when I am sitting there in silence.  My mind goes wild.  I think of all of the things that I need to do.  I think of the things that I could be doing right now.  I feel guilty for not being productive at meditating and therefore wasting time that I could be spending doing something else. Then I wonder why I can't quiet my mind.  I end up feeling worse and more frazzled than when I started.  

It is easy for me to quiet my mind and just "be" when I am listening to music while walking my dog.  I have a play list that I usually listen to while walking Ari that's pretty mellow - acoustic Arkells, the Lumineers with some Marley and Neil Young mixed in for fun.  My mind quiets almost instantly.  

When it got cold out this winter, I stopped listening to music while I walked with Ari.  I don't know why.  I wasn't enjoying our walks as much, and I started to see them as a chore, not something I was looking forward to. My mind would race around while I walked.  I would think about one topic for a bit and then move on to the next and so on and so on.  Nothing got resolved or figured out because my mind bounced around from one thing to the next. I was not relaxed.  I finished my walk feeling more stressed than when I started. 

About a month ago I realized I hadn't been listening to music for awhile while walking.  I'm not sure why I stopped but I did once it got cold outside.  Maybe I thought my earbuds wouldn't fit under my toque, I don't know.

The day that I started again was not a nice day.  It was around -18C with a wind.  According to the forecast, it was going to snow later in the day so I wanted to get the walk done before that happened.  Off we went.  Turns out my earbuds fit just fine under my toque;).

Although I was cold and it was early to be out of the house on a Saturday morning, I felt like I could walk for hours.  We walked three times as long as I had planned on and I loved every second of it.  My mind was quiet and I felt free.  

I am not a Winter person.  I am cold all the time.  Winter driving stresses me out.  I hate snow.  I have gotten quite good at being mindful when walking for all the other seasons, but Winter is much harder for me.  That day though, I noticed the snow covered mountains in the distance and they looked beautiful.  So did the  trees in the park with a dusting of snow of them.  It was calming.  

I think we all quiet our minds and practice mindfulness in different ways and that's OK.  The main thing is that we take the time to figure out what works for us.  I really would like to be that girl in the gorgeous yoga wear sitting in lotus position experiencing inner peace, but that's just not me.

What is "me" and has worked for many youth in the groups I have done, is using chocolate to introduce the concept of mindfulness.  We sit on the floor and get into whatever position is comfy for us and then at the same time we all unwrap a small piece of good quality chocolate and put it in our mouths.  We close our eyes and everyone is quiet and focused only on the chocolate.  How does it feel in your mouth? How does the texture change as the chocolate melts?   How does it taste?  Then when it is gone, we sit for a moment and just pay attention to how we feel before we open our eyes.  This has become a favourite activity in my groups - both for me and the kids!

When we are done, everyone is feeling calmer and more relaxed.  They are present.  It works great when focus is an issue or there is a lot of negative energy in the room.  When we take a minute to be quiet and mindful, we create an open space in which we can talk, listen to others, and learn.

I love hearing about other people's strategies for quieting their minds and practicing mindfulness.    The more strategies I can introduce to others, the greater the odds that they will find something that works for them.  I would love it if you would comment below or email me and share what works for you.  Especially if it involves dark chocolate;)

 

 

 

Create Resiliency

I am reading this amazing book right now about functional medicine.  I hadn't even heard of the term "functional medicine" until recently and wanted to know more about it, so I bought a book by Mark Hyman.  The main concept the book revolves around is that you can "create health". Brilliant!  It's not that I didn't know you could do things to lower the risk of certain diseases, but the concept of being able to create health blew me away.  It's so positive and filled with potential.  When I want to eat something unhealthy (which is a few times a day) I now think, "will this help me create health?" and then it is much easier to resist the craving.  Ok, I'm never going to give up cookies, but I am better now at making healthy choices than I ever have been before.  Thinking this way makes me feel powerful and in control of my health.  I know that making diet, exercise, and social tweaks won't necessarily guarantee my good health, but it can't hurt.  I figure it gives me the best chance at being healthy.

I love the idea of creating something.  It just sounds "big" and filled with possibility. It sounds fresh and new.  It's empowering.  In my programs, I talk about building resiliency skills or becoming self aware.  But doesn't it sound so much more exciting to say that you can create resiliency or create self awareness?  

I know it's just saying the same thing in different words, but maybe hearing that you can "create resiliency" will resonate with some people in a way that "building resiliency" doesn't.  Just like the idea of "creating health" resonated with me.  I've always been a big believer in introducing a concept in a variety of ways so that it is more likely to reach people and make sense to them.  This idea of "creating" something is just one more way to do that.  

Thinking this way is so freeing.  I might be genetically predisposed to diabetes, but that doesn't mean that I have to resign myself to the fact that I am likely going to be diabetic one day because of this predisposition.  I'm not just going to sit around and wait for it to happen.  I can choose to think that even though there is a family history, I can create health by making healthy diet, exercise, and lifestyle choices for myself.  

It is also possible to create resiliency, at any age. We don't need to be born "strong" or "confident".  We can create resiliency one building block at a time.  Just as if we were building a house out of Lego.  We can build a strong foundation by being aware of thought patterns and making any necessary changes.  By being mindful of what is going on with ourselves and around us.  By being grateful for the many beautiful things in our lives that we may not have been aware of or noticed for awhile.  By becoming self aware and accepting of who we are.  By challenging ourselves to always grow in different areas of our lives and become our best selves.  To create our best selves.

I find thinking this way so inspiring.  I hope that reading this has inspired some of you to take action and get started on creating - whether it be creating a physically healthier you, a more resilient you, or doing something that will help you become the best version of yourself.  Creating something wonderful takes time, but you can start today.  

No matter what you would like to create, practicing being mindful is a good place to start. My next blog post will be about a few things you can do to practice being mindful.  One of them even involves chocolate......